My Me To Moment / # Why I did Not Report

Yes, a combat experienced Marine, a Survived of Close Encounter Combat both my reality's, yet less then an year out of the hospital form wounds I to was raped, then I buried the event for years.  

I will make this as brief as I can, I am writing a book of raw history in the first person, two years ago I told brief details to family members because I didn't want to shock them 48 years later. In writing this I do use words of that time, my thinking at that time.

I left the military hospital after a year as when my wounds healed up, then I was medically retired as a Marine, spent a year + working and searching when I decied to return to Vietnam. I took military space avalable seat to Hawaii, stopping their because the military had canceled those seats on to Asia due to the Tet offensive of 1968, I held up to wait in Hawaii. Work in Hawaii came easy doing hot tar roofing, cheap housing was at the YMCA near Waikiki, things were going well. I took the opportunity to go bar hopping on weekends, drink was in-fact therapeutic for me, it enhancing my openness, friendliness and the ability to relaxed and to think clearer the next day. 

At a bar someone purchased a drink for me, on drinking it suddenly I became like a rag doll, totally helpless, still silently mobil, my memory became very foggy, however later aware that I was being raped by a man. Waking up in a cheap hotel room alone, my ID cards and money was still their. The feeling of being filthy, feelings I didn't understand, aware today it’s called being violated, I felt overwhelmed, me unable to process it really, I was simply decussated and angry. I shower to remove the stench, nothing cooled my emotions or anger, most witch was directed at myself. On returning to my room at the YMCA it still went on. I did pray, read my bible, cursed, but in the end, the comfort came only with one thought. (I would kill the bastard), this brought relief, it also brought more crying, praying and reading my bible. In the end comfort came in that thought, I could / I would kill the bastard that had done this to me. 

So I planned out the perfect murder, created a cover story, pretending to being sick the night before I had picked, called the pastor at the church I went to, made plans as cover for church and bible study on the coming Sunday. Purchased flip-flops to wear so no one would notice my 2 inch build-up on my show used for my short left leg, purchased a gun off Hotel Street, the ruff area of Honolulu. I went to work, but told no one, a week later on Saturday nite I went out the window of the YMCA with my 38 stub-nose revolver with a few shells to kill.

Only while walking to the area of the bar did it dawn on me his face was not clear to me, his sent still a strong memory but his face was not. I convince myself I would remember him when I saw him. At the bar I sat outside, emotions ran strong, I attempted to change course. I went into the bar, search the tables, the bar area, went to the bathroom, left because I simply could not find the man in my cloudy memory. 

Out side again I sat across the street again stressed out, two men came out or by, they were holding hands and obviously were gay. I thought to myself the bastard that had raped me had to be gay, my knowledge and background was anyone that would raped another man had to be gay. I thought to myself, I'll just kill these two gay bastards !

As suddend as that thought cross my mind, another thought came also. (I had killed before, Yes). But I had never killed in anger with hatred, in war I had seen many things, more then once in that period I had did things attempting to help, to protect innocents. Now I was contenplating to kill innocents, this overwhelmed me, my mind ask Why ?

A life time of values and experiences filled my head, one realization came to me and that was my salvation, my main survival tool was that I had never lost it in combat. (I had never hesitated and I had never overreacted, went over the edge). This was the key to my recovery. I had never allowed pure hate or revenge to rule me. In fact it was in war my awareness of everything became so real, it had in fact made made me question things, made me more human. Yes, verses in the bible, vengeance is mind saith the lord, many verses were also easy to recall, after all my background was a Lutheran farm boy that had become a marine, many things and my reality all came together. 

At some point I walked away, coming to the Ala Wai canal that wrapped behind Waikiki, at the time not so built up, their were areas of weeds along the side. I went into one the high weed areas, sat and thought, slowly getting a hold of my emotions. I removed the bullets from the gun, throw them into the water, then the gun, throwing it as far as I could. Deep lesson in life filled my mind, like who I was and would be seem to burn into me. I thought about why was I on my way back to Vietnam, how I would move forward, many things seem to settling into my thinking, my understanding of myself and others were force feed into my thinking with a dose of reality, as had happen before truths settling into me, using the best logic I could muster, very late I return to the YMCA. 

On purpose or sub-conciiously I buried the whole experience deep inside, not just the event but the hate also, the self center concept, the humiliation, the pride and replaced it with a commitment to learn and understand. I was 100% commitmented to go on living life, to allow nothing to defeat me, including myself. Of course life has a way of giving us blessings and challenges, with-in two years my best friend at the time was also my boss at a large company in Okinawa, Japan. A  guy I was always attempting to hook up with a nice girl, then he told me, (Richard damit, stop it, your my friend, you don't know it but I'm Gay). In life their is no flash of light, no remarkable protective cloud to protect you when you simply go forward in life openly, only your mind, your personality, your values, no it's in your action at work and pleasure, in hardship and your joy, you simply face challeges and excepting rewards that come, but how you live your life out is by the chooses you make day after day.  

The thought of reporting this illegal rape to any authorities or friends, it simply was never considered. Yes, I admit there were other things in my life to deal with, being rape was for me unbelievable and so wrong in my mind. Because of that I had allowed myself to sink into hate and revenge. Was it pride, was it my fault or was it just a nasty-evel man,  it discussed me. I dug deep into my mind, my emotions, my belief system, every aspect of my being and decided I would once again just go forward and live my life and strive to know about myself and others. 

This week Bill Crosby was sentenced to jail for years of crimes agains others, on every TV the issue of sexual assaults is being talked about, all has not been lost on me. The truth is when I read the accounts of Crosby's accusers over the years, story after story of women who drank one glass of wine and turned into rag dolls with no ability to resist anything, of spotted memories. There stories were so much like what had happen to me, the truth these accounts comforted me in a strange way. To wait years to tell anyone also understood by me. Yes, thier is a part of me that felt happy to see this washed up, nasty old man going off to jail, justice has a sweetness about it. Naturally I was think I shouldn't feel happy, however he shows no sense of remorse, he showed no humanity, no sense of regret for the pain and damage he has inflicted on others. Yes, Justice has a sweetness about it.

It's sad, Yes the reality is in our world thier our many uncaring people, men have always been number one with-in our human history, often some men it seems showed little to no sense of empathy toward others, some men carry this ugly concept of women as less, as if they themselves never had a mother that carried them to birth and then cared for them. However the reality is it's part of our history, became the concept of most all belief systems, man is first and women less to serve then in many ways.

I have to add 3-things to be truthful. 

1: There is personally no reward for me to share this so publicly. I long ago came to peace with both ugly sides of this event I'm shareing with many because it will be in my book, it’s was part of my fate in life. Also just maybe it might be helpful to someone else thats been abused and suffered at the hands of others. 

2: I consider myself a very peaceful person, however when I see in-justice, outright harm inflicked on others by anyone, part of my very being wants to fight against it. Today it’s obvious to me, this issue of assault’s on others in many forms is a serious problem, women and everyone must fight in many ways to overcome and change the thinking and culture as Americans, in my mind as humans beings. It’s not just whats happing in American, we live in a new age where what you our see and read today is seen and heard everywhere in the world, times our change rapidly, it’s about time for the human race to move forward on this very important issue.  

3:  # Why I did not repot.  To event ask the qustgen (why) to me shows a lack of empathy toward others, a lack of compassion, a lack of respect and a level of ignorance to reality in the year 2018, we our at a different point in history. Yes, my reasons to not report was wrapped up in pride, a belief system, allowing myself to concentrated only on myself. The victims of all assaults, rape and abuse have their own reasons to not report, their level of tolorence, their own burdens, personalities and the fact no one wants to hear or believe them. We do all share one thing, what ever the reason, it's seem easyer and our human in-stink is to bury it deep inside. Women in particular have a bigger problem, that problem is in human history, in most cultures and belief system is a fact, the systems were set up and works against them as a women. My life today is built around reality and logic, I except the fact I’m simply a human being, my life today is dedicated to attempt to leave this world better then I found it. My logic tells me to make the world better, women must take their place as equal humans beings, of course logic tells us it has to be with-in their particular place in life, in this world with-in their social system in our world, however as equal human beings to men on all levels of law and social norms.   

Richard L Iverson

Remember Happiness is Oh so simple, that a grateful heart is the beginning of wisdom, that Effort is essential for anything worthwhile in life 

vidanusa@mac.com